The Observer

Now that A and I have been away from CAWKI (Church As We Know It) for over a year, reading books and blogs and theological tomes which have expanded our understanding beyond that place, attending a church service is rather like being on the outside looking in.
As is always the case, you get to know your own culture (or subculture) better when you have had some degree of separation from it. I remember my first trip back to America after the first 3 years in Austria as the strangest experience. I had never before noticed just how loud, boisterous, colorful and candid Americans generally are. Some aspects of American culture, which I'd never particularly paid attention to before leaving it, actually made me cringe.
This is known in missions circles as "reverse culture shock". Once you have become accustomed to a new culture with new norms, experiencing the one you had formerly been comfortable with and in can come as a real shock to the system. Something like that is going on now, though it is sadly not quite so innocent.

Yesterday morning A and I attended a service of the church we had visited last September, when looking into this town as a possibility to live in. It's a relatively informal, friendly place. There were a lot more people present than last year, though it is summer. We were greeted by an older chatty woman at the door as per usual, with a photocopied order of service. It was clear we were noticed as newbies to the group.
Worship began shortly after we were seated-- young man with a guitar, young woman at the keyboards, usually both singing; older man at the projector, willing but not very accomplished at his job yet. I closed my eyes and tried to enter into worship, because corporate worship singing is one thing I have really missed about a congregational setting. The leader was a little hard to follow but I was managing. Then the Observer kicked in, and I ended up struggling for most of the rest of the service.

The Observer is a person who sits in my brain and analyzes what is going on according to her own mean little spirit. I know her to be my enemy. During the Toronto Outpouring, I had to identify and squelch her, in order to receive anything of what God was doing. Well… she's back. This time she has me categorizing and criticizing everything according to my previous (admittedly rather extensive) church experience:
"Aha, the holy 4 chords. Older songs-- don't they do newer stuff here? Hm, they need someone at the sound desk to pay attention."
"I like the leader of the service-- he seems to be actually enjoying himself."
"Oh yes, the obligatory scatty prophetic-type woman who has a word in every service and usually cries while giving it."
"Kids' service-- of course, summer break for the children's workers-- ouch. Is that the message we want kids to get?"
"Ah, the lady who greeted us outside the building has cornered A while I was in the bathroom. She has the piercing gaze I associate with 'on-fire' people. I do hope she doesn't start prophesying over us. Whew, she didn't…"
And so on, ad nauseum.

As A said afterward, exposure to this environment-- one in which I used to feel very at home-- creates reactions which reveal to us what's in our hearts. And right now it's not very pretty in there. I know, despite all my forgiveness work and my righteous-sounding legal words, that I still hold resentment in my heart against the Church.
What it feels like is this (and yes, I am aware this is completely subjective and one-sided, but it is how it feels): I spent over 30 years serving the Church and when I was most in need of her support, she majorly let me down. It is too reminiscent of my former marriage, where I often felt I was the one making most of the sacrifices (especially emotionally) but when I was personally in need, I had to go elsewhere to get those needs met.
But the Church is "Christ's Body" on earth, so in actuality I am holding resentment against him. And it's very hard, as A pointed out, to receive any good from or do any good to someone you resent.
This is the dilemma in which I currently find myself. Here I am, for all practical purposes internally judging and shoeboxing perfect strangers who are doubtless very good and sincere people who wouldn't harm a fly, let alone me. Yet there is suspicion in my heart. And it will block me from developing the very relationships I need, both in order to thrive myself and to be a blessing to others.

Cutting myself some slack, I do realize these things take time, and I am very new here. It took some conscious decision, but I eventually came to the place where I have long been comfortable in both Austrian and American cultures, able to appreciate the uniqueness of each one without requiring it from the other; able to enjoy myself thoroughly in one environment although I knew through personal experience there were other ways, perhaps ways I personally preferred, of doing things.
I would like to reach that place in this situation, where I can silence the Observer and simply enter in to whatever group of people are worshiping the same Jesus I do, though we may well disagree on how he sees things or on how we see him. I want to retain what I have learned of God's character (he is always so much better than we think!) even in an environment where he may not be recognized or honored in that way. I want to appreciate the Church as the Bride of Christ who is beautiful because he has made her so through his love for her, and not necessarily through any innate beauty of her own. (This will hopefully enable me, though, to see the unique beauty each body of believers does have.)

But right now I am struggling with the Observer, with my own jadedness, resentment and suspicion. I know deeply that God himself is good and to be trusted, but I am leery of his people. And that's not a good place to be.
Help me; help us, Holy Spirit.