I've known a certain lovely woman for the better part of her life, since she was a rather wild teenager in a very staid Christian family. B was always considered a "problem". Raised by a depressive father and a mother who was an uptight enabler, B --though very bright-- didn't get much attention by being a good girl, so she wasn't one.
I've helped walk B through her first disastrous boyfriend and through an only slightly less disastrous marriage (or was it two?). I've heard her say, in varying forms, the same things all her life. I've seen her ups and downs, her stable times and her flip-outs. I've always loved her, though she can be difficult. And I rejoiced when she remarried.
All her life, she claimed what she really wanted was just to be married to a decent Christian man, live in a certain part of our city and raise children. That's the life she has, for the past 10+ years, been living. And now she imagines that she'd be happier as a single mom of young children, chasing after a fantasy relationship that is highly unlikely to happen at all.
I hear from a mutual friend she wants my advice about it -- again (we have discussed it and I gave her my opinion, which hasn't changed). And when I saw her name on my cell phone, I instinctively didn't answer.
I confess, love her as I may, I just don't want to talk to her right now.
I have found over my many years of pastoral ministry that people will do what they want to do if they want to do it hard enough; and nothing you or I say about it, however wise and inspired it may be, will make a shred of difference. This is B's life, not mine. Unfortunately, her decisions also strongly affect the lives of her husband and 3 young children, but I have already given her my opinion on that. What she is considering is, in my opinion, a selfish act hurtful to everyone who loves and trusts her, and most especially to her children. But that is, however I believe it to be true, only my opinion, and has no binding effect on her choices.
Every parent knows: you don't have to approve of someone's choices in order to love them. You may grieve at what they choose, but sometimes all you can do is wait for it to fail and be there when they need you in the shards of their life. I regret that I won't be here to walk B through the consequences of her latest poor choice (yes, I have judged it as being a poor choice, but I still affirm her right to make it).
I watched my former husband make choice after choice after choice which reflected what his heart really wanted, irregardless of what his mouth was saying or what he thought he believed was right. The only warnings he responded to were those regarding how his actions looked, which (I had to conclude) was what he genuinely cared about. But in the end, against the warnings and advice of every single person he consulted with about it, he made his choices (thus freeing me to make mine, which I do not at all regret).
I mention that to emphasize that the reason I don't want to engage with B about this any longer is that I sense her mind, too, is already made up. And
I AM TIRED
of making judgements on other people's decisions.
I AM TIRED
of being expected to, as a "Christian leader", carry a certain responsibility for what others choose to do with their lives.
I AM TIRED
of the CAWKI expectation that I should use guilt, shame and condemnation as "weapons of righteousness", bludgeoning someone into doing "the right thing" when their heart is simply not in it. (How can that last? And if God looks on the heart, WTF are we doing trying to con him?!)
Now, I'm certainly not against people genuinely choosing of their own free will to do what they believe is right rather than what they want to do in the moment. And sometimes they need an outside perspective to reach such a decision. This is how society stays stable and how personal maturity is won. But I am against joining with the Accuser of the Brethren and expecting his tools to do God's job. If it is really sin, only Holy Spirit can genuinely convict the heart, anyway. And if it's just my scruples, what business do I have inflicting them on you?
I can hear the voices now: Oooh, you've gone soft on sin! This is what happens when you over-emphasize love and grace, you lose sight of God's holiness and righteousness and the REALITY OF HELL!!
Well, I've stated before I'm not at all convinced the Bible teaches that the default setting for all of humanity which does not belong to a small portion of the world's population who has "prayed the prayer" is hell (a fairly modern concept). And the more I learn from people who have spent their lives studying this, and not just gone to Bible school like I did, the less I can buy that.
Soft on sin? Well, if Jesus is my example, he could certainly be accused of being soft on sin.
I'm not soft on my sin, which is the only sin for which I am responsible. I just no longer believe it's part of my job to monitor yours.
Mark Lowry says it well: “Love the sinner, hate the sin? How about: Love the sinner, hate your own sin! I don’t have time to hate your sin. There are too many of you! Hating my sin is a full-time job… How about you hate your sin, I’ll hate my sin and let’s just love each other!”
"I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” —Jesus, in John 13:34-35
That is what we are to be known by. Not by our "righteous standards of living". Not by our hatred of sin. Not by our disassociating from those we consider sinners. Not by trumpeting abroad what we believe to be wrong. But by loving, a more powerful voice than any of the above, and certainly a more attractive one. Why was Jesus a welcome guest among tax collectors, prostitutes and other sinners of his day (and, conversely, why so abhorred by the religious establishment)? Because he loved them, and not just in principle; they saw it, felt it, experienced that he treated them --as he treats all of us-- with respect, honor, understanding and affection, not with condemnation.
And he still does. So who am I to do differently?
I'm not saying I'm there yet, or even anywhere close to it. But I'd like to get there, and I can't see wasting my time and effort on anything else.
And that's… about all I have to say about that, at this moment.
