So... hello again! It’s been several months since I have written anything here. I did start some themes but never got to the end of any of them. Frankly, it was quite a depressing winter in many ways: grey for weeks on end, incessant rain, damp and chilly housing. The locals tell me it was the wettest one on record (though not particularly cold), so it would be unfair to judge all of jolly old England on this one miserable season in this one calendar year. That said, there were times it didn’t seem worth leaving my flannel-covered down comforter in the morning, because it would stay grey all day anyway!
My third major enculturation has, meanwhile, proceeded apace. Wetly, I’ve discovered many delightful little aspects of British culture. For instance, Brits are inveterate readers. All over, there are “lending tables”, where you can bring a book you’re done with and take one that’s there, all for free. The local library can hardly compete, though it’s lovely to have one of them nearby too. The “public face” I learned to adopt in Austria (expressionless, eyes meeting no-one) is unnecessary, even counter-productive here; almost everyone but shy people and insecure teenagers are happy to meet your gaze and greet you in passing. I have already mentioned how delightful the elderly folks are. No self-pity and moaning; they just get on cheerfully until they can’t move any more!
On the negative side, I am now painfully aware of just how harsh and swallowed my own “r”s are, and how sloppy my enunciation is, especially any word that has a double --or even single-- T in it. Unless I take myself by the scruff of the neck and shake myself hard first, I invariably pronounce this as a double D (“wedding” rather than “wetting”, “eading” rather than “eating”). This sounds awful in my ears now, though I never used to notice it. That’s not to say most people here have a cultivated accent; far from it, for the most part: we live in farmer country, after all! It’s not that I want to sound British either; it’s probably more that my musical ear has picked up some of my less attractive habits through being exposed to several variations on a theme.
Speaking of musical ear, both A and I are involved in music teams in the local church now, though not the same one. A helps out in a couple with bass guitar and, occasionally, drums; I sing backup in one team which lost a singer recently. I had very much missed singing regularly. Since I’d left the worship team at VG, which I formed and led for most of 20 years, this had been the longest gap I could ever remember not being involved in some sort of music group.
I/we still have our struggles with the local church system per se. But something in us has relaxed, so we can be amused at many things that used to annoy us. It’s all our wider family, after all, and you don’t like everybody to whom you’re related, nor are you obligated to agree with them. But you can learn to appreciate them. And I think that has been happening to us. I feel rather “in” but not “of”, in a sense, and yet I do very much appreciate the people and what they have built out here in the middle of nowhere.
I am not invested in this church the way I was VG, of course; this is not a family I started; my DNA is not closely interwoven into its makeup. And if what I believe about institutional church is even partly true, this form has passed its sell-by date anyway and so investing in the form itself would be silly. But people are eternal, and investing in people is never wasted time or effort. And the people here are salt-of-the-earth. What you see is pretty much what you get. They don’t seem as inclined to play mind games out here in the countryside. What a relief.
With more and more distance from my ex and all his issues, I have also been able to relax more and more regarding my inbuilt negative expectations of how people will receive me. P could not handle my success or popularity very well; though he outwardly supported it, he sabotaged it too. That’s about the furthest thing from A’s mind. And here, it is all very low-key, but I am feeling the same sort of stirrings which I experienced when I started hanging out with GA: I am simply being myself, doing what I normally do, and it’s somehow seen as extraordinary and worthwhile with no conscious effort on my part.
I walked in favor for many years and got really used to it. I suppose I started to take it for granted. --Not at home, of course; a friend at VG was always quite upset on my behalf that “the prophet is not well received in his/her home town”; but I found it a bit of a relief, since the same demands upon “my anointing” were not brought as elsewhere, and I had space to rest up. At the same time, coming home from a successful ministry trip, where I was able to work in partnership with God and see him do very cool stuff in people’s lives, and establish meaningful friendships with people, was sometimes a real slap in the face. I remember one trip in particular, when I saw some absolutely miraculous things occur in Ukraine, and already in the car on the way home from the airport P had brought his first crushing criticisms of me. I felt as if I’d taken a blow to the solar plexus, and I realized: I have been without this essential-level rejection for two weeks and my resistance is down. Something is seriously wrong here, and it is not me.
Digression aside: many of the same dynamics of favor have been in operation since moving here. We have never sought out the movers and shakers in this church, nor attempted to get to know the pastor, or anything remotely like that. (Actually, we had hoped to remain incognito for longer!) Yet these are the very people who have been attracted to us, sought us out, and have engaged us in conversation and relationship. Not having a clue who people are and to whom they’re related has been a huge plus factor, because we encounter everyone pretty much the same for our part. Now that we’ve been here awhile we realize: the people we have connected with are the people who run things. Well, welcome, back, Favor. I wondered where you’d gone...
I mostly don't experience "words from God" or other gifts unless I am in an environment in which they are required. So, being in such an environment on a Monday evening in Salisbury recently, whilst someone else was praying and I was only nominally involved (because I couldn't hear much of what he said, I just had my eyes closed and was tuned in), I got a clear picture of walking through an orange door into full-blown Spring. Blossoms on the tress, butterflies in the air, a cool breeze and spring flowers everywhere: the whole Disney kitch. Along with it came the words "early spring". I was touched, and thought the word was just for me; but as the meeting progressed I saw it would be helpful and shared it as well. It's true that spring has come to Shaftesbury about a month earlier than usual, in the natural sense of the word. However, I have taken it to heart. After a long, hard winter of the soul, it is an early spring for me, too.
When I received unexpected and unprecedented favor back in the 90s I was really thrilled and excited and related it to the doubtless huge and significant calling God must have for my life. That’s where I was at, at that time. Now it is simply a small, familiar comfort in the midst of much adjustment. I don’t need it to happen, I didn’t look for it to happen, and I have no goals for it being there. I am past the striving stage. If God wants to grant it, he must have ideas of his own, and his ideas are always good. But frankly, I just want some friends; and that is happening, so I am content.
So this is our life: A works hard on his degree. I generally run the household and most social engagements (yes, there are some!!). I help out in the church office now and then, updating the horrible song database. We still see our vicar friend for tea, and try to get to know others in the community. It's a quiet life, for the most part. But for now, where we are is probably just where we ought to be. And I’m happy enough with that.
