*Drumroll, please* --I have emailed my resignation letter.
I awoke at 4:30 a.m. today, with my heart racing and my stomach churning. I lay there trying to figure out what was up, as I couldn't remember having had any distressing dreams. But the symptoms persisted, and I remembered what K had told me: many peoples' blood pressure peaks in the nighttime, of which they are unaware. (Layman that I am, I'd have assumed the opposite.) So finally, for the first time, I reached for the little spray bottle of mint-flavored nitroglycerin solution my doctor had prescribed for moments just such as these. After 2 squirts under my tongue I again waited for a change, but I think it was another good hour before I fell into a restless sleep.
A had to leave the house relatively early this morning for a band rehearsal. I lay there in bed sluggishly watching him get ready, feeling deadened in every limb. After I told A about my night he came over and prayed for me. This provided me at least the energy to get up. I knew very well what I had to do today, and knew I'd better do it first thing or I might procrastinate further.
I hadn't expected such a body-stress reaction, because I'd gone to bed quite cheerful and positive about the future, something I had not really experienced since returning from California.
Yesterday afternoon A and I lay companionably snuggled together on our blessedly large bed, talking about possibilities for our future. I found that during our honeymoon and the distance from Austria, something within me had shifted without my even really having been aware of it: I had no more inner resistance to a move to the UK. This was a bit of a surprise to A, but a welcome one. We talked through the implications of a move, the timing, and especially the cost. A was pretty sure it would cost at least as much to live there as it does to live here, which was rather a downer, actually. But we decided not to assume; instead, to research.
Which, until we left that evening for house group, we did. And found to our surprise and delight how wrong we had been!
Our target area is no more than an hours' travel by train or bus away from A's elderly parents; not so far as to be prohibitive for either side, but no so close as to be living in each others' laps. Since A will be an at-home student for probably the next 6 years, we can live anywhere so long as we can cover the bills of daily expenses with our savings and with whatever income I can bring in on the side. And frankly, the thought of working a "normal job" in Austria depresses the hell out of me. But the UK has both a different work ethic and a different concept of service. The thought of working part-time in, say, a cookery supply shop or a bookstore (two of my loves) in my native language and with polite people is almost a thrill.
We were very happy to find that we could quite conceivably, judging from what is available right now, pay a third less rent for up to 1 room more in most of the target areas we looked at. That means half the rent or more would already be covered by what would come in from the student apartment I own here (rather too small for us to live in, but great as an investment), and the rest could be made up by my working part-time. A knows the society and the health system and everything necessary to help me feel secure in a new environment (it helps that things are set up simply there, not the maze of conflicting administration one is faced with here).
And I am more and more convinced that I need a completely new start, in a completely new location. I need to cut my losses and walk away from any more possibility of my shouldering responsibility for others' understanding or actions regarding them.
Another factor in our reasoning is that, since Ryanair flies directly from Stansted to Graz, visits to and from the kids (and eventual grandchildren) living here in Austria shouldn't be prohibitive either. We're looking at towns rather than villages, but small enough that one can walk to shopping, because we're thinking of starting out life there without a car and seeing if we (or rather, I) can function like that. Buying and maintaining a car costs less there than it does here, but it is still a regular expense we could do without. If I go absolutely stir-crazy, though, A assures me we can make it work somehow!
Having something a little more concrete to aim for and look toward is helping me a lot psychologically. My body just doesn't seem to have gotten the message yet. I guess that will take time; it took time to get to this state, too.
Last night after house group K, who is a "new" doctor, measured my BP and agreed it's still too high. I'd been hoping to borrow a BP cuff from her but what she has are 1) an ancient model which is probably inaccurate and 2) a model which requires a doctor to use and decipher it. Today I shall troll the Internet for something digital which is easy to use and which I can afford.
When K was taking my BP it hurt like hell; she seemed to use a whole lot more pressure to get a reading than either the docs in the USA or my doc here did. My left arm is still aching today! But I do have to bring these levels down before I get on a plane and fly to Cape Town on June 11th. I really would like to get there and back without a brain aneurism exploding on the way!
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